Blog
A language of its own
Posted by Steve Holt on July 26, 2010 at 10:11 am
Nearly every institution, discipline, vocation and area of the country has its own “language.” For example, in Tennessee we would say, “I’m getting ready to leave,” but in Texas we say, “I’m fixin’ to leave.” In New England, long deli sandwiches are grinders; everywhere else they’re heroes or subs.
I’ve found that even adoption has a language all its own. And while most other language differences are relatively harmless, failure to appropriately adapt how we talk about adoption can perpetuate myths and create false notions that may hurt another person.
To tell you the truth, I have been guilty most of my life of carelessly misusing adoption language. Slowly, I’m changing. You may be way ahead of me in this, but just in case, here are some suggestions for accurately and appropriately portraying the wonder of adoption.
| Rather than saying… | Say… |
|---|---|
| Real parent, natural parent | Birth parent |
| Own child, real child, natural child | Birth child |
| Adopted child, own child | My child |
| Adoptee | Person who was adopted |
| Illegitimate | Born to unmarried parents |
| Give up | Terminate parental rights |
| Give away, put up, place for adoption | Make an adoption plan, choose adoption |
| To keep | To parent |
| Adoptable child, available child | Child in need of a family |
| Reunion | Making contact with, meeting |
| Adoptive parent | Parent |
| An unwanted child | Child in need of adoption |
| Child taken away | Court termination |
| Handicapped child, hard to place child | Child who has special needs |
| Is adopted | Was adopted |
| Giving your child away | Choosing an adoption plan |
| Putting your child up for adoption | Finding a family to parent your child |
| Keeping your baby | Deciding to parent the child |
| Closed adoption | Confidential adoption |
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you still use some of these less appropriate phrases. We all do. But next time, think about how a child might feel if they heard they were “unwanted.” With just a little forethought and all of us trying harder, we can do our part to establish a language that honors the wonderful world of adoption.
Gotta go; it’s fixin’ to rain…
Staff Spotlight: Leisa Jobe
Posted by Janet Mendenhall on July 22, 2010 at 1:04 pm
After fifteen years helping people’s heads look beautiful, Leisa Jobe is now looking to help people’s hearts become beautiful. Leaving a career in cosmetology, Leisa earned her bachelor’s degree in social work because she “simply wanted to help people.”
Leisa came to Christian Homes & Family Services after several years of experience with Child Protective Services in Texas. Christian Homes was actually the first place she applied after college, but there were no openings. Thankfully for all of us, nine years later she applied again, and now she is the Director of Social Services working in the east Texas office.
As the only caseworker in Tyler, Leisa experiences each of the joys at Christian Homes. She is involved with the birth mothers in east Texas, guiding and counseling them through their decision- making process and sharing in their search for hope and peace. She works with the adoptive parents as they prepare and await their child. And then she gets to supervise that placement and watch that family grow. She prepares and certifies foster parents to welcome a child into their home both for temporary transitional foster care and the foster-to-adopt program.
Leisa enjoys every aspect of her job, but readily admits, “The foster-to-adopt program is where my heart lies. I have been in at-risk homes and have seen what a hard life so many of these little ones have had,” she said. “It makes me happy to watch them get to know what a stable Christian family looks like and to get to experience being part of one.” Visits to the foster-to-adopt homes are Leisa’s happiest days. “I love that!” she says with a smile. “It is fun to be in these loving Christian homes and watch their children just blossom.”
When Leisa is not happily visiting her adoptive and foster families, she has just enough time for her favorite hobby — visiting her two grandsons and their families. That really makes her happy.
Leisa’s haircuts could probably still turn heads, but her devotion to families is turning hearts.
Heroes
Posted by Taylor Engel on July 19, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Today Steve Jones, Christian Homes & Family Services Trustee, is guest blogging on his idea of heroes…we’re thankful for you, Steve!
It is very common for people to make heroes of professional athletes and entertainers. We also like to create heroes like Superman and Spiderman.
Occasionally events like natural disasters, terrorist attacks and national holidays occur that spotlight real heroes like firefighters, police officers, EMT’s and military personnel. A closer look can also reveal some of the quiet heroes like teachers and nurses.
My few years on the board of trustees of Christian Homes & Family Services have shown me a whole new group of quiet heroes. These heroes are often referred to as birth parents, adoptive parents, foster parents and employees of Christian Homes & Family Services.
A hero can be defined as one who puts the needs of others above his or her own, a remarkably brave person, somebody admired, or a person with superhuman powers.
What is more selfless than a birth parent’s decision to seek a loving, stable home for his or her baby? What could be more remarkably brave than committing your life to the care of an adopted child? Who could you admire more than someone who is willing to be a foster parent? I know CH&FS employees don’t have superhuman powers but their commitment to birthmothers and children is almost as amazing.
And just like Batman has Alfred, these heroes have wonderful families that love and support them and make their own sacrifices so that our heroes can go about the business of being remarkable, admired and practically superhuman. And finally, just as our heroes have wonderful families, this organization has wonderful donors and volunteers that quietly make a difference in the lives of children through their contribution of time and money.
If you are a birth parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, CH&FS employee or someone who supports the efforts of these individuals you can be assured that you are now on the top of my hero list and the hero list of the children whose lives and souls are touched by your loving sacrifices.
May God bless the heroes of children who truly need heroes.
Staff Spotlight: Alana Tollett
Posted by Taylor Engel on July 14, 2010 at 3:10 pm
This past week I had the privilege of interviewing Alana Tollett, Residential Maternity Caseworker for Christian Homes & Family Services. Through her answers I think it will be very easy to see why we’re pleased as punch to have Alana on our team.
How long have you worked for Christian Homes? I have worked here since January 6th, 2009.
Why did you decide to work here? I decided to work at Christian Homes & Family Services because of the opportunity to mentor and work with young women. I also thought the staff was more like a family and we always had some type of celebration that involved food! I love that CHFS is a ministry rather than a job or agency. I love that the name and focus is “Christian.”
Describe your job to me… I work as the Residential Maternity Caseworker. I provide care, counseling and support for the women who reside at our residential facility during their pregnancy. I provide grief and loss counseling and counseling surrounding the adoption. I have weekly contact with the birthmothers to meet their needs. I help them develop a plan of service including goals they would like to accomplish while they are here and help them work through their emotions, feelings and expectations of the adoption. We process the adoption and focus on their desire for their future and what they desire for the future of their child.
What is something that has surprised you about working here? I am surprised at how many times I’ve been in the labor and delivery room with a birthmother because she wanted me to be with her, holding her hand and I was her support system. I am surprised at all the many things that I have learned from the birthmothers that I have had the pleasure of knowing. I am also surprised at how much each person here at CHFS truly cares for one another and for the people we serve. There is a strong bond and a tie that you don’t find just anywhere!
What has been one of your most difficult experiences? My most difficult experience is trying to find the right things to say to a birthmother to ease her pain after relinquishment. I realize that there’s not necessarily a right thing to say but this has been one of the harder things for me.
Happiest? The happiest moment is to see God work through people and how he never stops caring and loving you because of your background or what you have done. It makes me happy to put smiles on the faces around me whether that be co-workers, people I see often at the hospitals when taking a birthmother for a checkup and the birthmothers that I have been involved with. It also makes me happy to see the babies after placement and see how they have grown and to see and hear from birthmothers that I have worked with in the past!
From the time Alana began working for Christian Homes in January of last year, she has truly brought spark and life to this ministry. She has diligently made changes to our residential apartments to be able to give the young women a place they can be proud to call home. If you are ever in the Abilene area and would like to meet Alana and see these apartments, just give us a call! We would love to show you around.
An Abilene area native, Alana graduated in December of 2008 from Abilene Christian University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Social Work. She is happily married to Chris who works for Tatum Motors and she plans to work for Christian Homes for the rest of her life. (Ok so I added that last part in but we hope that is the case!)
Birth Mother
Posted by Janet Mendenhall on July 12, 2010 at 7:40 am
Birth mother is an interesting term. It defines the role of a woman in an unplanned pregnancy choosing to sustain life and place her child with an adoptive family. Adoptive parents use it to describe the presence of that woman in their family. And it fits as adoptees grow and need to fit those women into their lives.
But the term, “birth mother” is limiting. It is inadequate to explore the true depths of that woman. It can’t explain her hopes and dreams, nor address the emotional investment she has made in the child she has placed.
There are other words — like sustainer, nurturer, strong, selfless — that more completely describe the person. These words fit my friend, April.
April contacted Christian Homes last November. She was homeless, unemployed and the mother of a 16-month old little girl named Sarah. She was also estranged from her family, unsure of her future and pregnant. April knew Sarah needed the stability of a family that she could not provide, so Sarah was placed in a loving foster home. April also knew the life she was carrying needed the same. She wanted them both “to have a Mom and Dad that would raise them right in a Christian home.” Looking back, she knows coming to Christian Homes was the right choice, though not an easy one and certainly not one to be taken lightly.
April smiles when she talks about the Foster-to Adopt home where Sarah is thriving. Her smile gets even bigger when she shares Sarah’s most recent smile in the new photograph sent to her because of the semi-open relationship she has with Sarah’s family.
In May, April gave birth to another beautiful girl who was placed in an open adoption with a family April chose. The relationships with those two families put April at peace and allow her to watch her dreams and hopes come true.
“I think of them every single day.” April says. “Christian Homes did so much to take care of me — they were kind to me, took me to the doctor, helped me with counseling and gave me everything I needed. They encouraged me to be a better person. I went to FaithWorks and finished that. I am a different person today. I feel like I can make friends now. My self-esteem and self confidence have been boosted real high.”
April is moving into Hope Haven and looking for a job. And when she is not thinking about those gorgeous little girls, she is “thinking all the time and real hard about going back to school and studying criminal justice.”
April is strong and selfless. She is a sustainer and nurturer. She is one of our beautiful birth mothers.
Names have been changed to protect the identity of this birth mother and her family.
New Location!
Posted by Taylor Engel on July 09, 2010 at 7:11 am
Christian Homes & Family Services has officially moved into the Dallas/Fort Worth area! You may be a little confused by that statement as we have been working with families and birth mothers in this area for some time but as of the end of June 2010, we have an office and two new employees in the North Richland Hills area. We are excited to welcome Sharla Bundy as the Lead Family Services Case Worker and Kathryn Bashaw as the Director of Development in the North Texas area.
Sharla is a graduate of Abilene Christian University with a Bachelors degree in Social Work and the University of Texas with her Masters degree in Social Work. While Sharla was a student at ACU, she interned for Christian Homes & Family Services and our staff is excited about her return. Kathryn’s professional background in integrated communications, traditional & social media relations and event planning coupled with her Bachelors of Art degree in Public Relations from Harding University have perfectly prepared her for the development position in North Texas. Both Kathryn and Sharla look forward to helping those in need and specifically working towards finding “a Christian home for every child.”
We look forward to being able to respond quicker to young women in the Metroplex area with our new staff and office location. We also look forward to making new friends and telling more people about the ministry of Christian Homes. Our prayer is that the Lord will use this new office location to minister to young women and families that need our services and that we will be in the right places at the right times. Stay tuned for a “grand opening” of sorts!
Picnic Recap
Posted by Taylor Engel on July 07, 2010 at 7:55 am
Oh, what a day Saturday was! The bi-annual Adoption Picnic is what technically gathered us all together but what really drew us in was the promise of seeing old friends, celebrating the sweet gift of adoption, meeting and making new friends, and let’s be honest…12 flavors of homemade ice cream?? I’m just not sure it gets better than that! The rain held off beautifully (and miraculously?) and the children (and a few adults) enjoyed the crazy train rides by engineers Bob and Johnny, a bouncy house, a cool water slide and games and contests and prizes galore. Families traveled from near and far with the farthest hailing from Toledo Ohio!
One particular scene that touched my heart was watching Christian Homes & Family Services newest transitional foster family being reunited with the families of all three babies they loved on over the last year and a half. I asked their son if this would be an emotional day for his mom and he said, “No, I think she is as happy as she could be right now.” We considered ourselves blessed for being able to stand back and watch such a precious reunion.
Another special highlight was catching up with one of the oldest adoptees present at the picnic along with his parents, his wife and two of their three daughters. Thirty-three years ago, this young man was placed in a loving home and one of the things that is so unique about Christian Homes is that Nancy Miller, President Emeritus, was on staff then too.
And can you believe that there was a young lady present who has attended every single adoption picnic since she was adopted 22 years ago? I know that the staff of Christian Homes who have worked here for 20 plus years love that they’ve watched this young woman grow up!
For those of you who were unable to attend the picnic, we certainly missed you and hope you make plans to attend the next one in the summer of 2012. As we parted ways Saturday afternoon I think we all thought, “Why don’t we do this every weekend?” It was truly a sweet day. All the more reason to look forward to Christian Homes & Family Services 50th anniversary and Adoption Picnic in 2012!
Freedom!
Posted by Steve Holt on June 30, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Some may have forgotten what Independence Day is all about. Wikipedia offers this thumbnail:
In the United States, Independence Day, commonly known as the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain.
In 1791 the first recorded use of the name “Independence Day” occurred. In 1820 the first Fourth of July celebration was held in Eastport, Maine which remains the largest in the state. In 1870, the U.S. Congress made Independence Day an unpaid holiday for federal employees. In 1938, Congress changed Independence Day to a paid federal holiday.
Freedom comes in many forms. And who’s to say that one form of independence is more welcomed than another? I’ve never been enslaved by another person or government, so political independence doesn’t feel as much a gift for me as it probably does for Nelson Mandela, for example. But for years I was enslaved by tobacco and alcohol, and emancipation from those addictions still brings great joy and relief.
We are all addicted to something—recreation, sex, drugs, exercise, habits, work, food—and many addictions, no matter the form, are as enslaving as chains and as uncomfortable as a whip. I haven’t run across one drug addict that didn’t hate his “chain.”
We at Christian Homes often deal with couples who are enslaved by infertility. They so hope for the freedom of bearing children, like their friends and family all around them. But for whatever reason, they are not able to conceive. Lynn and I were there during the first years of our marriage and before our first son arrived. Being trapped in a situation beyond our control was as unsettling and painful as any addiction, any enslavement.
Adoption means liberation, freedom from the fetters of infertility. For couples who cannot bear their own children, adoption is as freeing as political release or addiction recovery.
Over the past 48 years, nearly 2,000 families have experienced Independence Day because Christian Homes & Family Services fought for their release.
Our God, from your sacred home you take care of orphans and protect widows. You find families for those who are lonely. You set prisoners free and let them prosper…(Ps. 68:5, 6)
Happy Independence Day!
Staff Spotlight: Mike Spell
Posted by Janet Mendenhall on June 28, 2010 at 7:53 am
When Mike Spell was born, Christian Homes & Family Services had been going strong for nearly 15 years. And while he was learning to multiply and divide and write in cursive, several of his coworkers were launching their careers here.
Mike joined the Christian Homes team in January as the foster care caseworker. He is quick to say that he was drawn here because of the richness of its heritage and the long-term commitment of the social work staff. In Mike’s opinion, that is unusual for this line of work and speaks volumes about an agency.
As the foster care caseworker, Mike Spell is responsible for supervising the foster children entrusted to our care, working with the existing foster families and recruiting and training new families to join Christian Homes in this ministry he is passionate about. Mike believes every child should have a safe place to call home and at least one adult in their life they can trust. Foster care for too many children is their only hope to see and experience a healthy family. The catastrophic number of children lacking that safety and trust in the state of Texas alone, fuels Mike’s passion for his work at Christian Homes.
“Interacting with people who want to make a difference in the life of a child — that’s my favorite part of my job,” Mike said. Encouraging people who share his dream for a healthy family for all children and planting that seed and watching it grow in the hearts of new families are the joys of his job.
When Mike is not working with foster families, he is busy playing with his family. Mike is married to Amanda and they have two children, Jacob, 5 and Sydney, 4. The Spells attend church at Highland Church of Christ where Amanda serves in the children’s ministry.
In 25 years if Mike Spell’s dream of every child living in a healthy family comes true, Christian Homes won’t need a foster care caseworker. But even if Mike works himself out of a job in foster care, Christian Homes will still be loving and supporting children and families and we hope he will still be here doing just that.
Perhaps somewhere out there is a young one learning to multiply and divide and write in cursive who will one day be amazed by Mike Spell’s tireless commitment to the ministry and be thrilled to join him.
Adoptive Families Circle
Posted by Taylor Engel on June 24, 2010 at 2:36 pm
We want to consistently pass along ways to connect with other people whose lives have been touched by adoption and today, I stumbled across this website: Adoptive Families Circle. They feature forums on topics ranging from infertility to finding the right agency to bringing baby home and even have different online support groups for couples in any stage of the adoption process. Blogging, contests, photo albums and more can be found on their site and it is all beautifully tied together in adoption. You can sign up to receive monthly newsletters from Adoptive Families and to be able to post photos, comments, blogs, etc. What other adoption-related communities are you connected to? We would love to hear about them!
Bi-Annual Family Picnic
Posted by Taylor Engel on June 21, 2010 at 8:01 am
A family favorite, time-honored good time is upon us! Please mark your calendar to join your Christian Homes family at our bi-annual family picnic on July 3rd from 9am to 2pm. You can expect crazy contests, bounce house fun, family pictures galore, train rides, a delicious cookout, 12 flavors of homemade ice cream and more! Families from all over will gather at the Abilene Zoo & Festival Gardens to celebrate adoption and to take a walk down memory lane. Zoo gates will open at 9:00 and admission tickets can be purchased for a nominal fee. You won’t want to miss the contests at 11:00 and the big family picture at 11:30. Burgers and hot dogs will be served from 12:00 to 1:00 hot off the grill, along with our smorgasboard of homemade ice cream! The adoption picnic is a great way to meet and perhaps reconnect with other families whose lives have been brought together through adoption and the staff of Christian Homes & Family Services looks forward to hugging your neck and hearing the latest about your family. If you have any questions about the picnic or would like to RSVP for your family, please call 325-677-2205.
Staff Spotlight: Angie Robbins
Posted by Taylor Engel on June 17, 2010 at 7:45 am
When a young woman bravely picks up the phone to call Christian Homes & Family Services to discuss the idea of making an adoption plan for her child, 9 times out of 10 she will speak with Angie Robbins, Maternity and Adoption Intake Coordinator. Within minutes of that phone call, this young woman will find she is speaking to a warm, compassionate and loving friend who will do anything she can to help this young woman.
When asked to describe Angie, her co-workers had these things to say:
“She will go the extra mile over and over again to try to help someone who needs help. She doesn’t see road blocks…just detour signs…doesn’t give up…and has fun all along the way.”
“She loves her job and has a heart for the birthmothers and prospective adoption families who call. Compassion is her middle name!”
“Angie loves people!”
“I always hear from birthmothers in the residential facility about how Angie is loving, caring, compassionate, and spiritual. When birthmothers arrive to Abilene they always want to meet the lady who they first talked to from CHFS, and that’s our Angie!”
“Angie is warm, welcoming, compassionate and eager to serve.”
Can you see why we’re so grateful Angie is answering the phone to talk with young women and prospective adoptive couples about the adoption process? Angie told me her job is her passion and that she loves being a part of this ministry.
After working for several years as the Director of Social Services for a children’s home in southwest Oklahoma, Angie made her way to Texas and Christian Homes & Family Services five years ago. We couldn’t be more thankful she did.
My Dad
Posted by Steve Holt on June 14, 2010 at 8:40 am
My Dad could divide a single stick of Dentyne gum into 6 equal parts for his 6 children to share.
My Dad could somehow make cigarette smoke come out of his ears.
My Dad could stitch a gash in one of his horses using needle and twine.
My Dad fainted when he watched a doctor stitch up a cut in my head.
My Dad could whip really hard.
My Dad could finish a house a week as a residential contractor.
My Dad could sweet talk a cop out of a well-deserved speeding ticket.
My Dad could catch the fresh eggs I threw down from our barn’s hayloft.
My Dad didn’t know his way around a kitchen.
My Dad taught me to hunt and fish and ride a horse.
My Dad called me on Saturday mornings at 6:00 to make sure I was up. I was in college.
My Dad raised tobacco, watermelons, strawberries, peanuts, pumpkins, popcorn, horses, cows and 6 kids.
My Dad took us to church 3 times a week. And every night of every gospel meeting.
My Dad left sacks of groceries on the door steps of poor people.
My Dad rallied our family to nurse an orphaned colt back to health.
My Dad.
Happy Father’s Day!
Staff Spotlight: Margaret Ballew
Posted by Janet Mendenhall on June 07, 2010 at 8:52 am
Want to know more about the staff here at Christian Homes & Family Services? Throughout the next few months we will be spotlighting different staff members to give you insight on the ins and outs of our ministry. Read along and get to know our beloved co-workers and friends…
Family is important to Margaret Ballew, so it is no surprise that for the last 27 years she has been building families one adoption story at a time. Margaret began writing happy endings as the adoption caseworker at Christian Homes & Family Services in December of 1982, after working six years with Child Protective Services in her hometown of Longview, TX. And now as Director of Adoption Services, and hundreds of couples later, she still marvels as the stories unfold.
Her favorite part of the story is always the climax. Placing a child at last in the loving arms and expectant hearts of a hopeful couple is never tiresome. And certainly none so marvelous as the one she remembers most fondly. This couple had suffered 12 miscarriages before beginning their adoption journey, and nothing compared to that moment when they saw and held their baby for the first time.
Bringing couples to that climactic moment is the real heart of Margaret’s day-to-day role as caseworker. Sifting through the mounds of paperwork is overwhelming to couples and caseworker alike. Multiple in-depth interviews can be frightening. The home study, a careful investigation and assessment of your ability to parent, can be a bit intimidating. Then the waiting begins as birth mothers review portfolios and the couples review parenting manuals. And Margaret is there, providing support throughout the journey. Even after the placement, she supervises the couple until the adoption is final, usually about 6 months.
The stories don’t end there even for Margaret, who smiles as she remembers the graduation announcements, wedding invitations, and school pictures she has received through the years. Hearing the rest of the stories from these families is an extra blessing. That Margaret Ballew is a blessing to families is unquestionable. Years later, Cathi Nelson, mother of two adopted children, says, “One of the things I love about Christian Homes, and I tell people this all the time, is that the same people who helped us get our children years ago are still there. How long has Margaret been there, 20-something years? There’s a consistency that you don’t find anywhere else.” Sharon Nolen had this to say about her journey with Margaret, “We don’t know what our adoption memories would have been like without Margaret; but, we know that with Margaret they are wonderful and warm. She was and still is a very nurturing and caring person…The Christian example that she continually displays is one of her most important attributes. She has strengthened us so many times.”
Though each story is different, Margaret is certain of the theme. God is faithful and his timing sure. She has seen it written over and over in couples losing hope as the wait seems endless for them and not for others, couples grieving in the wake of a birth mother’s changed mind, couples doubting their ability to parent a baby born with unexpected challenges. Each time, God provides. She remarked about one such special case, “It was a perfect match and still is!” Margaret knows God is the perfect matchmaker, and she loves being a small part of His stories.
Tied to Life
Posted by Taylor Engel on June 02, 2010 at 8:28 am
Want your Dad to know how important he is in your life? Get him “Tied-to-Life!”
“Tied to Life” is a unique way to honor the special men in your life – dad, husband, grandfather, father-in-law – and bless precious children who need a father. With a gift of just $20 or more, Christian Homes & Family Services will send your honoree a Tied to Life Father’s Day card notifying him a gift has been made to our life changing ministry in his honor. He doesn’t need another tie. He wants to be “Tied to Life!”
Looking for another way to honor him for Father’s Day? Make a donation in honor of your favorite duffer and you could win — a Taylor Made prize valued at $1475 including one Driver, a 3 Wood, and Irons in a Taylor Made bag.
For details on how to donate to Christian Homes & Family Services through Tied to Life or the Taylor Made Prize Giveaway, click “Home” at the top of the page. If you have questions or would like to donate over the phone, please call 325-677-2205.
